HELLLLLOOOOO 2015...

Ok so I sit down (actually I really haven't left my bed...yet) and grab my laptop to check and see what's going on in the world of all things cyber and I read my twitter page...and there I find this beautiful lady who is named Sarah Bessey; whom I found through The Work Of The People...a webpage where you can get uplifted to last your day through....I digress. So found Sarah there, follow her on Twitter and I read this glorious, wonderful, uplifting, rejuvenating blog post from her and it was amazing. Her non~judgmental way of writing speaks to my soul like no other can. I trust her, at some cyber level that just doesn't happen, I trust her to not connect me to some weird blog...she introduces me to One Word 365, which is the topic of this blog post. I have NEVER been one for resolutions, just always felt like a bucketload of unmet expectations to me so when I turned onto this page, One Word 365, I found a new hope in my soul. I have been thinking about this for a few days and this blog asks you to think of a word that will describe you and your actions for the next 365 days...then you can join other people (if others have chosen your word) and create a community of like~minded people living out the word that speaks to all of us.. So the word I chose seems to be who I am. I am learning, and I really mean this is a new knowledge that just came into words after Sarah's page & the One Word page came together in a collision of loveliness in my soul and spoke to me about what my vision for myself is this year. People seem to share things with me; things they never share with anyone else...I have always thought it a bit strange, I mean why me...now I am understanding that that is a sacred position. It is a beautiful place to be...I don't need to take things personally, don't need to be burdened by others stuff what i would like this year to be able to do is to 'rejuvenate' those who share their woes with me...so they can carry on with their lives and day. This sounds really arrogant and God knows my heart. I don't mean it like that at all. I just hear myself saying A LOT in my life 'why am i the one that gets everybody's crap'...well maybe I need to grasp the sacredness of it...it is a holy position...to listen to someone. Just listen so they can hear God speaking to them...what I mean by rejuvenate is a want to be a place, a sanctuary if you will, where people can share their burdens, and with a non~judging ear be somehow encouraged to carry on. That is what I want for my life & heart in the coming year. So REJUVENATE is my word of this coming year. One day. Every day for 364 days. In case you want all of the address information....it is listed in the comment section. I would really love to know if you pick a word for this year as well. Love & Grace.

Yearning...

Found myself saying this to my sis at 3:02am this morning... "I know I'm not alone it's always hard around the holidays...you & I both know me...I want to be able to have people around when I'm feeling it and I want them to go away when I don't and it doesn't work like that so because it creates such anxiety to have most people in my life I don't...but having that knowledge doesn't make the times when I want people around any easier." My heart aches to be able to have family around; particularly this time of year and yet...it is always such chaos in my mind...particularly this time of year. This was the time of year when we looked "normal" the most...the alcoholism, the molesting...all of that was really shoved way back into my head in favor of togetherness and family time..always looking the part of a good Catholic family.... Sometimes today my heart yearns for the looking part...I cannot do it. I have to have both the looking as if, and the being, match up or it creates a lasting way to long for my liking kind of chaos that is unbearable and makes me feel like there is no escaping life as I then know it... Having all of that information though, never stops the yearning....ever. Although this is the time of year when it is the hardest to cover up...to live over...to move beyond.... THIS is what I'm talking about... "Longing is the agony of the nearness of the distant.” — Martin Heidegger

December 5th....WoW

This last week has been incredibly difficult. Not going into details yet but thought I could use this visual as I move about my day.

Maybe you could too.

Love & Grace.

Mmmmm! Mmmmm! Goooood!

So...this is what my day has consisted of... teaching myself how to make homemade noodles and then adding them to the broth I made when the turkey I had a month ago was done cooking. Everything in this bowl is homemade...no cans...no artificial colors or additives in this yummy bowl of soup. I truly am so proud of myself; like I can really take care of me and enjoy doing it as well. I often didn't cook for me because I wasn't worth it...today I am absolutely, completely and totally worth it...AND I LOVE IT!! SO THIS IS THE FINAL PRODUCT..MY TURKEY & NOODLE SOUP...gotta love that on a grey dreary day right? Love & Grace.

What's In A Name...

An unmet friend and I were just having this discussion about Simon Peter and how and what the meaning was behind his name and she said "I bet He has a name for you, too, just as He did for Peter. I dare you to ask Him what it is. :-)" For some reason I am not interested in knowing cuz often times I get God's ways and characteristics mixed up with us humans and the idea makes me want to puke because I have sooo many names... "lazy." 'stupid' 'worthless' 'user' 'fat' 'ugly' 'dope fiend' 'alcoholic' 'brat' 'mean' 'peesinherpants' 'selfish' and i am sure this list could go on and on...my point is that I forget that God doesn't use names like these. These are all pure, 100% bonafide 'man made'.... God's names go like this...for me and everyone...no matter what we have done or didn't do He called us 'friend.' He calls us 'Daughters and Sons of The Most High King'...He calls us 'Beloved'....He calls us 'His Own.' And he knows my name...he knows those words are all true of me even if I just can't quite believe them one hundred percent of the time. He's got my back..never, ever will God label me...give me a name to fit me in another box....God's names for me are for all eternity...and my favorite is when He call me His Own...

"Little by little we overcome the splits from everything, so in the end there’s just One. God is in all things and all things are in God." - Richard Rohr

This was/is quite a process. So very, very hard to see God through ten years of incest, multiple rapes and violence, drug/alcohol addiction; and then 'recovery'....please, please be patient with yourself and with others if you are in this process somewhere! It's the hardest thing you will EVER have to do. I get it. Coming through the pain; the life changing pain...too many die!! The great thing...I only had to believe in a power greater than me just a wee bit...just had to reveal just the tiniest crack in my armor so The Light could shine through. If you are here today you are NOT alone. Trust that...even just a smudge...that's all it takes! Love & Grace.

She woke up excited about the day. she new parts of it might be hard and yet what the end result would bring was well worth any struggle and pain. She grabbed a cup of coffee as she heard her dad honk for her. At the same time her sister, brother and her mother all arrived sending her off with hugs and kisses waiting with glorious anticipation for the time she came back. She did every single thing she was told to do...without hesitation, on time...everything...then came this morning when she was suppose to be driving home with them...she was told that she wouldn't be able to see her two year old boys for maybe another four months...it had already been four...she did everything right she kept telling herself over and over and over again so she didn't loose control in the courtroom..in front of the judge and everyone...I showed up even though she had absolutely no desire to face him again...all the pain and heartache comes flooding into her mind and that is all pushed away in favor of seeing her precious babies...and yet... He didn't show up for court. Up came the rage, up came the pain, up came the shame and guilt, the coulda, woulda & shoulda's...all to the surface and she heard like she was in an echo chamber "you will need to file all the paperwork again AND...it may not be until March...." BOOM!!! Like an atomic bomb dropped on the world, it had shaken the flimsy foundation upon which she was standing that morning.She was in such pain, masked by rage, that she simply stormed out of the courtroom not waiting for a dismissal by the judge. She went to her dads car and sat a minute and took a long gasp of air into her lungs only to choke it back out through the snot sucking sobbing that was the only thing she could do. They were pulling in the driveway to see family on the front porch waiting to see these precious boys AND YET...she didn't have them. So she had to explain it to lots of people; always right after the pain is tucked away just right...someone else would want to know where her boys were...she had family all around and yet something, some part of her was missing...Thanksgiving....she has convinced herself is no big deal without her babies and the idea of celebrating Christmas without them causes the gap in her chest cavity to ebb and flow with more pain than she ever realized. I, as this woman's neighbor feel lead to go...go ask her....open up that wound all over again AND YET...I listen....I hear the pain, I can feel the pain as I grab her arm and I get closer and tell her 'I am here for you!' And I mean that with every fiber in my being...right...next....door....I cannot nor do I desire to make everything 'better' for her or make everything 'go away'...this is her wilderness....what I can do and desire to do is walk along side her...listen to what she isn't saying as much as what I hear her say...and just be there... This, to me, is being God with skin on. Love & Grace.