Yearning...

Found myself saying this to my sis at 3:02am this morning... "I know I'm not alone it's always hard around the holidays...you & I both know me...I want to be able to have people around when I'm feeling it and I want them to go away when I don't and it doesn't work like that so because it creates such anxiety to have most people in my life I don't...but having that knowledge doesn't make the times when I want people around any easier." My heart aches to be able to have family around; particularly this time of year and yet...it is always such chaos in my mind...particularly this time of year. This was the time of year when we looked "normal" the most...the alcoholism, the molesting...all of that was really shoved way back into my head in favor of togetherness and family time..always looking the part of a good Catholic family.... Sometimes today my heart yearns for the looking part...I cannot do it. I have to have both the looking as if, and the being, match up or it creates a lasting way to long for my liking kind of chaos that is unbearable and makes me feel like there is no escaping life as I then know it... Having all of that information though, never stops the yearning....ever. Although this is the time of year when it is the hardest to cover up...to live over...to move beyond.... THIS is what I'm talking about... "Longing is the agony of the nearness of the distant.” — Martin Heidegger