I Have Choices...And I Utilize That Fact.

...""I cannot drop it all and just isolate and find my quiet..." does that sentence smack to anyone else of not having a choice? Okay sure...I have a mental disorder that allows me to not function when trying to live the way society says...I was very young and my parents couldn't figure out what was different about me (it's okay now we have all come to a place of peace with it) and I developed probably due to being molested at a very young age, borderline personality disorder which, simply put means I am unstable at worst and at best means that in order to function my brain seems to be able to only do one thing at a time....that is simple terms not really describing my life today but it is a rough definition of BPD... So all that to say...my parents had sought a mental health worker to come to our house when I was 5....didn't get a diagnosis until I was 42...that is a very, very long time to not have skills to live a "normal" life....didn't get married, couldn't hold a job to save my life...during that time I was homeless (in total for 24 years) ya know stuff that happens when someone is trying to manage in a world with such boundaries and limits that make one a "good person", and they can't even wake up and not want to die everyday... So fast forward to today...I by God's grace alone after my diagnosis had the wonderful opportunity to participate in a year of therapy, twice a week, which enabled me to have the skills I lacked and helped me greatly learn how to not be rageful and how to talk about my feelings and how to cope...I still have the same diagnosis, it will be with me all of my life...I receive SSI which in my opinion although I am beyond grateful for it is the very, very bare minimum of income to sustain one and yet...I am fully functional, have my own home, pay my own bills and am productive that way since 2007... Again all of this to say...I do not have a normal life...no family, no job....none of the stuff that society says makes one a "normal" human...went browsing this morning and found the above quote on a past friend of mine on her blog...now I know I have rare circumstances that not everyone can "drop it all and just isolate and find quiet" I get that...I also know there are choices one makes every day whether mentally ill or not..to add chaos or to take away chaos from their environment. Sometimes when people "feel" like they are helping others they are actually hurting them and themselves...sometimes it takes some people years, if ever, to recognize that their actions today are motivated by the guilt of yesterday or wanting to do something different than what was done to them....this person went from watching her grandson twice a week to every day of the week and wonders why she is exhausted...she wonders why she can't find her footing...and rather than recognize this change...this thing she did out of the "goodness of her heart" she is saying things like "I cannot drop it all and just isolate and find my quiet"....no my dear but you most certainly can go back to twice a week..you can...whether you want to or choose to or not...you have that option...let the daughter figure out how to take care of her son instead of you sweeping in to "save the day".... And with what i feel is the blatant refusal (and the fact that none of your internet friends recognize it) of wanting to change it....you are going to continue getting what you are getting... I learned a long time ago that I will keep getting what I am getting until I stop doing what I am doing...'cannot' feels like there is no choice available....and most people don't want to have me, who has no "normal" life point out to them they need to let go...recognize that daughter and son in law will find someone to take care of her grandson and she needs to get back to the way her life was 2 years ago; taking care of him twice a week...listen she is a grandma...not the kids mom... I just get frustrated and what prompted this entry is the fact that it is all or nothing with her...no one has suggested you "drop it all" but how bout going back to twice a week...? He has become her purpose and that is never, ever good... Anyway...thanks for letting me go on and on...I am not a mother, a grandmother or a "normal" person...I am however, hypersensitive to when change happens, when someone is using kids as excuses for their own behavior and I am also hypersensitive to life... Love & Grace.