HELLLLLOOOOO 2015...

Ok so I sit down (actually I really haven't left my bed...yet) and grab my laptop to check and see what's going on in the world of all things cyber and I read my twitter page...and there I find this beautiful lady who is named Sarah Bessey; whom I found through The Work Of The People...a webpage where you can get uplifted to last your day through....I digress. So found Sarah there, follow her on Twitter and I read this glorious, wonderful, uplifting, rejuvenating blog post from her and it was amazing. Her non~judgmental way of writing speaks to my soul like no other can. I trust her, at some cyber level that just doesn't happen, I trust her to not connect me to some weird blog...she introduces me to One Word 365, which is the topic of this blog post. I have NEVER been one for resolutions, just always felt like a bucketload of unmet expectations to me so when I turned onto this page, One Word 365, I found a new hope in my soul. I have been thinking about this for a few days and this blog asks you to think of a word that will describe you and your actions for the next 365 days...then you can join other people (if others have chosen your word) and create a community of like~minded people living out the word that speaks to all of us.. So the word I chose seems to be who I am. I am learning, and I really mean this is a new knowledge that just came into words after Sarah's page & the One Word page came together in a collision of loveliness in my soul and spoke to me about what my vision for myself is this year. People seem to share things with me; things they never share with anyone else...I have always thought it a bit strange, I mean why me...now I am understanding that that is a sacred position. It is a beautiful place to be...I don't need to take things personally, don't need to be burdened by others stuff what i would like this year to be able to do is to 'rejuvenate' those who share their woes with me...so they can carry on with their lives and day. This sounds really arrogant and God knows my heart. I don't mean it like that at all. I just hear myself saying A LOT in my life 'why am i the one that gets everybody's crap'...well maybe I need to grasp the sacredness of it...it is a holy position...to listen to someone. Just listen so they can hear God speaking to them...what I mean by rejuvenate is a want to be a place, a sanctuary if you will, where people can share their burdens, and with a non~judging ear be somehow encouraged to carry on. That is what I want for my life & heart in the coming year. So REJUVENATE is my word of this coming year. One day. Every day for 364 days. In case you want all of the address information....it is listed in the comment section. I would really love to know if you pick a word for this year as well. Love & Grace.

Yearning...

Found myself saying this to my sis at 3:02am this morning... "I know I'm not alone it's always hard around the holidays...you & I both know me...I want to be able to have people around when I'm feeling it and I want them to go away when I don't and it doesn't work like that so because it creates such anxiety to have most people in my life I don't...but having that knowledge doesn't make the times when I want people around any easier." My heart aches to be able to have family around; particularly this time of year and yet...it is always such chaos in my mind...particularly this time of year. This was the time of year when we looked "normal" the most...the alcoholism, the molesting...all of that was really shoved way back into my head in favor of togetherness and family time..always looking the part of a good Catholic family.... Sometimes today my heart yearns for the looking part...I cannot do it. I have to have both the looking as if, and the being, match up or it creates a lasting way to long for my liking kind of chaos that is unbearable and makes me feel like there is no escaping life as I then know it... Having all of that information though, never stops the yearning....ever. Although this is the time of year when it is the hardest to cover up...to live over...to move beyond.... THIS is what I'm talking about... "Longing is the agony of the nearness of the distant.” — Martin Heidegger

December 5th....WoW

This last week has been incredibly difficult. Not going into details yet but thought I could use this visual as I move about my day.

Maybe you could too.

Love & Grace.

Mmmmm! Mmmmm! Goooood!

So...this is what my day has consisted of... teaching myself how to make homemade noodles and then adding them to the broth I made when the turkey I had a month ago was done cooking. Everything in this bowl is homemade...no cans...no artificial colors or additives in this yummy bowl of soup. I truly am so proud of myself; like I can really take care of me and enjoy doing it as well. I often didn't cook for me because I wasn't worth it...today I am absolutely, completely and totally worth it...AND I LOVE IT!! SO THIS IS THE FINAL PRODUCT..MY TURKEY & NOODLE SOUP...gotta love that on a grey dreary day right? Love & Grace.

What's In A Name...

An unmet friend and I were just having this discussion about Simon Peter and how and what the meaning was behind his name and she said "I bet He has a name for you, too, just as He did for Peter. I dare you to ask Him what it is. :-)" For some reason I am not interested in knowing cuz often times I get God's ways and characteristics mixed up with us humans and the idea makes me want to puke because I have sooo many names... "lazy." 'stupid' 'worthless' 'user' 'fat' 'ugly' 'dope fiend' 'alcoholic' 'brat' 'mean' 'peesinherpants' 'selfish' and i am sure this list could go on and on...my point is that I forget that God doesn't use names like these. These are all pure, 100% bonafide 'man made'.... God's names go like this...for me and everyone...no matter what we have done or didn't do He called us 'friend.' He calls us 'Daughters and Sons of The Most High King'...He calls us 'Beloved'....He calls us 'His Own.' And he knows my name...he knows those words are all true of me even if I just can't quite believe them one hundred percent of the time. He's got my back..never, ever will God label me...give me a name to fit me in another box....God's names for me are for all eternity...and my favorite is when He call me His Own...

"Little by little we overcome the splits from everything, so in the end there’s just One. God is in all things and all things are in God." - Richard Rohr

This was/is quite a process. So very, very hard to see God through ten years of incest, multiple rapes and violence, drug/alcohol addiction; and then 'recovery'....please, please be patient with yourself and with others if you are in this process somewhere! It's the hardest thing you will EVER have to do. I get it. Coming through the pain; the life changing pain...too many die!! The great thing...I only had to believe in a power greater than me just a wee bit...just had to reveal just the tiniest crack in my armor so The Light could shine through. If you are here today you are NOT alone. Trust that...even just a smudge...that's all it takes! Love & Grace.

She woke up excited about the day. she new parts of it might be hard and yet what the end result would bring was well worth any struggle and pain. She grabbed a cup of coffee as she heard her dad honk for her. At the same time her sister, brother and her mother all arrived sending her off with hugs and kisses waiting with glorious anticipation for the time she came back. She did every single thing she was told to do...without hesitation, on time...everything...then came this morning when she was suppose to be driving home with them...she was told that she wouldn't be able to see her two year old boys for maybe another four months...it had already been four...she did everything right she kept telling herself over and over and over again so she didn't loose control in the courtroom..in front of the judge and everyone...I showed up even though she had absolutely no desire to face him again...all the pain and heartache comes flooding into her mind and that is all pushed away in favor of seeing her precious babies...and yet... He didn't show up for court. Up came the rage, up came the pain, up came the shame and guilt, the coulda, woulda & shoulda's...all to the surface and she heard like she was in an echo chamber "you will need to file all the paperwork again AND...it may not be until March...." BOOM!!! Like an atomic bomb dropped on the world, it had shaken the flimsy foundation upon which she was standing that morning.She was in such pain, masked by rage, that she simply stormed out of the courtroom not waiting for a dismissal by the judge. She went to her dads car and sat a minute and took a long gasp of air into her lungs only to choke it back out through the snot sucking sobbing that was the only thing she could do. They were pulling in the driveway to see family on the front porch waiting to see these precious boys AND YET...she didn't have them. So she had to explain it to lots of people; always right after the pain is tucked away just right...someone else would want to know where her boys were...she had family all around and yet something, some part of her was missing...Thanksgiving....she has convinced herself is no big deal without her babies and the idea of celebrating Christmas without them causes the gap in her chest cavity to ebb and flow with more pain than she ever realized. I, as this woman's neighbor feel lead to go...go ask her....open up that wound all over again AND YET...I listen....I hear the pain, I can feel the pain as I grab her arm and I get closer and tell her 'I am here for you!' And I mean that with every fiber in my being...right...next....door....I cannot nor do I desire to make everything 'better' for her or make everything 'go away'...this is her wilderness....what I can do and desire to do is walk along side her...listen to what she isn't saying as much as what I hear her say...and just be there... This, to me, is being God with skin on. Love & Grace.

Hello. The head chatter started as I awoke to early from my slumber this morning. What I know is, most of the time, I am clear today when the head is over active and when my balanced mind is in check. Sometimes I let that chatty mind go off in a corner by itself and have its own brand of fun while I show up in my life; emotions and thoughts in check, and confident of whose I am. I am grateful today is Tuesday. I am grateful for the breath that woke me up AND the fact that the sun is just an itty bit trying to poke through the foggy clouds we have here. Thank you for another day of life. Working on a hat, getting ready to 'hang out' and learn and watch a baby otter pup and get on with the business of this spectacular day. Love & Grace.

My Sunday Creation.

I love this quote. Let us all not be afraid of our own wilderness anymore...God is wooing us there.

Love & Grace.

What I Do...

"We cannot afford to harbor hate, hurt, or negativity. We must choose to be instruments of peace." ~ Richard Rohr

Fab Friday!

"Wholeness holds you. You fall into it when you stop excluding—even the “bad” and dark parts of yourself."

- Richard Rohr

Sheesssshhhh.

So I just want to say so I know God knows and anyone that reads this blog knows...I love Jesus. I love what He has accomplished in my life, taking me from making alters to Satan and worshipping Satan to being a sold-out, in love Jesus freak. Having said that...I cannot subscribe to anyone or anything that has to do with a 'prosperity' message. I truly believe that GOD is big enough to reveal Himself to me in his own time; in his own way. PERIOD. Listening or reading how others came to all they have doesn't do it for me...i could give a crap less what anyone has...what does AND WILL ALWAYS continue to move me is the state of your heart. People who have nothing to do with Jesus love...and love large... I see this person that use to be in my life slipping into quoting a pastor who preaches prosperity and it scares me...she has lost that 'I don't believe in the prosperity' message soul she use to have and it makes me very, very sad. God blessed me abundantly with BPD & the ability to live in low income status I mean low income...I am surrounded by people who barely have enough to make ends meet...and I dig it... All my trials are recognized as God's love for me today. I don't need to keep trying to convince myself AND OTHERS what God has done for me...you can see it...you can hear it... I pray to you God, that I always have a heart that knows what you have done for me; that I am able to let go of my ego enough to recognize I am but a crumb....and no, I am not going to qualify that. I MUST REMAIN HUMBLE...i do not need to keep feeding myself with meaningless words about who you are and what you can do for me... I do not live in a place that I practice 'sinner awareness'...I know what I have done and most importantly I KNOW what God has done...that is all... PS sometimes I get guilt from people who ask me 'are you mad at churches or religion'? today i think about it...the rebellion, the anger, the 'its not far and not what God wants' is not me...I am not angry with any charter demonination...I needed to have God reach me without a body..God to me..that is all...there is a lot I don't understand about religion and its ways...what I was taught...but angry no... LET US NEVER FORGET THE WAY TO GOD JESUS IS A PROCESS....MAY WE ALL LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE LONG ENOUGH FOR THEM TO FIND THEIR OWN WAY... FOR OR AGAINST...CHRISTIANS...LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE!!! Love & Grace.

WoW... Interesting, isn't it! And the majority of people that use to be in my environment are so dependent on humans that they couldn't handle it. And I haven't held onto them; and I have gotten all kinds of crap for it...it is interesting to me that people post this and that about taking care of oneself, about having a voice blah, blah, blah and then when you use it to let them know what you need...*poof* somehow it is a bad thing and you are a 'bad' person... I am so grateful my baggage is getting lighter and lighter everyday. I have to listen to 'little me'...I have no choice....Thank God!!!

I just read something that just makes me go 'hmmmmmmmmmm'. I don't talk to you anymore; I don't know what to say...you know everything that is going on with me...what I do mostly is I listen. Shhhhhh! There is power in being still and knowing... I have run out of 'BUT'...I have no thing to offer anyone else other than encouragement; love; I have no wisdom other than what has come to me through living my own life.... I still have an instant reaction when I read 'I love you and accept you even if you aren't a Christian' BUT....so I will never get accused of misquoting... "I said that if she never comes to believe that God is real, I will still be her friend. Giving her the freedom to be where she is. Or as she messaged me later, 'Thank you for letting me be.' Yes. You are welcome... And then here's the catch...'BUT...I believe that God is at work even as I let her be..." So my point is yes the words to the right of the but are most assuredly true and yet...the but negates every single thing that was said before...'I love you but...' 'I will make time for you but'.... And when we here those things we only here the but...and what I hear is someone who doesn't believe what she said before the but...call me crazy; call me wounded call me whatever you want to call me...I HATE BUT...she could have even said 'AND'.....and it doesn't create the same thing.... I have no answers. I do not know if you (whomever you are) are suppose to come to Christ or not...I believe that he loves all of us. He wants us to know love and the only way I PERSONALLY have come to know love is because He loved me when I was completely and totally unlovable. THAT friends is when I came; and since then I have learned how to 'be still and KNOW'... I just never want anyone to think I have their answers for them...my path with God is sacred..no one else has walked the exact same path...it is completely Jesus and I AND...I want you to have that same experience...so He will be real to you as well. Love & Grace.

Getting My Bake On...

Okay so I am becoming VERY fond of shortbread. This particular recipe (on my google+ page) is actually gooey on the inside but has the same ingredients as the shortbread I have done before. I also remembered I had this really cool baking pan that has a non stick bottom with a divider you drop in battered bottom and cook so they cook evenly, and when they come out the are perfect; all the same size & cooked the same....it is pretty frickin awesome. So my first picture is the side of the pan that had fallen around the divider and baked item...

Yep all that butter was from the cookies baking...yummyliciousness....so this is what happens when the sides drop you are left with a bottom covered with your baked item and the divider...

So this is the three I separated and what they look like...the finished Gooey Cake Bars..

Hope you enjoyed the visual stimulation... they turned out really, really well. I am a huge fan of the gooey by the way. Love & Grace ALL PHOTOS COPYRIGHT (c)THOMM

Lisa 101 ~ The Fundamentals of Lisa

So I just figured out another fundamental truth about me...the single thing that makes it so difficult for this BPD person to be in relationship with anyone... Because I spent so much of my life trying to get people to see the truth it is vital and necessary that those in my life see the truth. I am not talking about moral or even emotional truths I am talking about when I say one thing and life plays it, or my choices play it out another way that I acknowledge that what I said and what is happening are two different things. It is about truth NOT BLAME. I am not looking to blame myself or anyone today for anything. I simply desire people around me to see what is. There is no pain or confusion when I say 'yep I said (for example) that I would meet you at the coffee shop...time snuck away from me...you are correct I didn't show up at the coffee shop"...that kind of truth...some people today call it 'pointing out the obvious' but somewhere in my head it is about accountability; when people don't see things as they are and want to excuse that truth, either truth, it messes with me. Again I have spent my whole littlehood trying to convince people that life growing up wasn't what the grown ups said it was...that the truth I was living in, even though no one took responsibility or even said 'ya know what Lisa, you're correct' was completely different than what people said... this is huge for me in relationships...again it isn't about circumstances changing life happening none of that it is about needing the other person to see the truth that exists.....not my truth but THE truth.....It is not about people not showing up...it is simply about acknowledging what is real... sometimes i need the other person i am in relationship with to say 'ya know what? this is the truth. you are seeing it completely correctly.' not that i need some sort of twisted validation from that person that's not what I'm talking about...i just need the person to see the truth...this is not about co dependance, it is not about convincing people that "their truth" is wrong...I think that with situations, whether they change or not there is a truth...i said i would show up at the coffee shop (truth one) I didn't show up at the coffee shop (truth 2) that is what i am talking about acknowledging, simply stating those truths...I am not saying i'm gonna share why i didn't show up (that's another conversation) i am simply saying in order ummm maybe for peace of mind...acknowledge both...neither one in my mind is "good" or "bad" my brain simply needs both to be acknowledged... I understand what I am trying to say...if anyone reads this I hope you understand as well...truth is truth. minus the variables, truth is still truth... I just re~read this and tears are streaming down my face....this is a huge, life changing knowing for me... Love & Grace.

Digging The Macro...

This is the one macro shot I took today. Think it turned out pretty awesome. (c)THOMM

Friday Frolic FunTime

Yep that's right....fun time at my house is the Canon, sunshine (or not) and trees & flowers...its a true story. ALL these photos are mine. Do NOT take without permission. THANK YOU. The green, unsprouted flower one is a macro shot. (c)THOMM

I Am With You On This Road

"My daughter, you are no mistake. I made you with intention, I made you with your face in my mind, your voice in my ears. I made you with a name and with grace and with gifts only yours—your gifts my very gift to you. You are not made with a pressure to perform, with an expectation to achieve. You are not made with a heaviness to bear around your neck, a weight to carry, a weariness of long days one after another. I know the way with Me can feel hard. I know this road feels long. I am with you on the road, my dear. I am with you on this road. Take steps now, where you can no longer see. Reach your hand out now, for I long to grab yours and hold tight. Lift those shoulders now; let me take that burden you carry. Can you see me taking it? Can you see my hands upon your shoulders, the weight being lifted off? Can you feel shackles being cut? Can you feel the things you can’t, with your eyes, see? I am for you, my child. And I do not ask you to go places where I will not be. Only go where I am. Even though you can’t see the next steps, I do. And I go ahead, and I know when the path is clear. Just follow Me, my daughter. I know this road, this one marked out for you. You have choices about where to go, whether to turn right or to turn left. But ask Me where I am. And trust I give you recognition for the One who made you, for the One who designed your heart, for the One who knows His daughter and the details of the road, for her, ahead. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6)." LOVE & GRACE.